Feels.

It's not good to blame your parents for things, right? Should I just blame myself? Or the inevitability (of my depression and anxiety)? Earlier, I was saying how if I had therapy earlier it might've gone away by now or at least been easier to control or subside. But I can't say that because I don't know. I think when I'm frustrated I blame people, usually my parents. Conveniently they always tend to pay attention to my brother and his needs. He got to go to therapy (unwillingly) and I willingly didn't get to go anywhere (as I begged for over four years). I'm smart, I know what I'm feeling, and I want to get rid of it or get help coping with it. Then the therapy didn't work for my brother, to the point where he was hospitalized for attempt at killing himself--from then on I knew my needs were not going to be as important. For the rest of Sean's time he will be the priority since he is mentally unstable and mentally ill. Are depression and anxiety mental illnesses or just inevitable symptoms of life and not getting the help you need early on? I am extremely unhappy but no one thinks so since I'm not crying or being a bitch 24/7. I feel like because I haven't tried to kill myself, my mental health is put at the back burner. Now, I'm an adult so rightfully so I'm expected to pay for the help I need now. But I am in school and I am currently unemployed, so I'm pretty screwed. Even if I had a job, I don't know if there'd be enough time for me to go see a therapist unless it's during the time where I just wanna chill the fuck out from school/work/life. I hate feeling like this. I don't know what to do. Am I being a bitch? Am I being ungrateful? Does anyone understand what I'm feeling? I'm just trying to vent.