In my head

I feel like I let love rule my life. I feel like I put love over everything. I’ve never really had goals for myself and I guess I have goals now, but everything I do seems minimal compared to the thought of finding true love. I think my uncontrollable empathy and compassion, makes me yearn to have someone so close to me in my life. I feel like I have all of these expectations for this person, whoever it may be. I feel bad about it because no one should have to live up to something. In the past, I find myself ending it with people if there’s something I know I wouldn’t want to deal with realistically and “in the future” or forever. I want to have a love that lasts forever. I think it’ll help distract me. My mind is constantly going to the most dark thoughts because I’m scared and I guess I feel like having someone that I love and to share my life with them will make me not so scared anymore. Should I not have expectations? Nobody’s perfect. Yet everyone says, you’ll find that someone that you deserve and is everything you want. Is that true? I think my parents are my “primary source” to knowing real love exists. They give me hope. I want what they have. Endless love. Boundless love. My love for others takes over my body sometimes. I fall so hard, very quickly. It’s not safe, because I get let down. I guess everyone gets let down sometimes. All I know is that I’ve been searching for this perfect person that’s supposed to help me cope and be there and say what I want to hear, because I feel like if I don’t get that—I won’t really want to live. Can love be someones purpose? Do I believe in purpose? I’ve been reevaluating everything I thought I was confident in. I’m getting smarter, but it’s not making me feel any better or any more hopeful (unfortunately). I think ideally I would want to live forever. To be immortal. Maybe that’s just because I don’t know where my person is—maybe they’re not in sight. I will be really pissed off if I already know the person that’s for me, because if you couldn’t tell— I’m very impatient. Death terrifies me… to my core. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately and because I don’t have all my beliefs together right now, it’s even worse. For some reason, it’s been coming up a lot recently. I don’t like it. I have some sort of attack take over my body until I force my brain to shut up and stop thinking about it. I’m scared that I’m going to have nightmares about it— or sleep paralysis. I think I believe in spirits. I can feel energy and I think that’s a cool gift (talent) I have. I’m scared to go to a psychic because I don’t want to hear anything bad. I never do. I’m a horrible person to be critiqued. I don’t know why it gets to me. It depends on what exactly it is, but in a lot of different situations I do not like for people to critique me. I think that’s because I think that people think bad things about me all the time and when someone brings something up—it seems like I was right—there’s something wrong with me that people don’t like, but that’s not true. People just try to be helpful. I’m glad someone came up with that “Love Language” thing because I find it to be very true. I guess I’m someone that likes to be recognized for what I do in order for me to know that I’m good enough. It sounds bad, but I just have to accept it and so do others. I can’t help the way I am—in that matter—I don’t think anyway. I’m sorry that I’ve just been rambling, but I need to get this out. I need people to hear this. To know what’s actually going on with me. My mind hurts when I’m the only one who knows what’s going on, but I think I hesitate to share because I think people will think I’m annoying or bothersome. I think being told that I was annoying growing up really shook me, so I’m constantly wondering if people feel that way about me. Okay I guess that’s enough for one night. I’ve been talking to you guys a lot lately. I don’t know why. This blog is becoming sort of a journal for me, which is good I think. It makes me feel better since I’m not going to a therapist. Anyway, have a goodnight. I love you guys. xx Mad