Dear everyone,
Hi, I know it seems like I post a lot of Instagram, but honestly I feel like I’ve been hiding a lot. A couple of days ago I posted something brief about how this quarantine was discouraging because of my living situation. I’ve been posting a lot on my story to try to distract myself. I’ve had a lot of fun playing games with everyone on iMessage and templates/trends on Instagram. But to be honest with you all... I’m terrified. Not terrified enough to not take any chance I get to step outside my house, but terrified that I already have it. And you know I’ve been tested already but my anxiety and my hypochondriac tendencies are really bad you guys. I’ve had so much anxiety, I’ve been crying, I haven’t been able to fall asleep because I’m afraid I’m going to die. And I don’t have the typical symptoms of COVID-19. But I have seasonal allergies and so having my post nasal drip in my throat and having chest pains (which I haven’t dealt with before), I’m psyching myself out and thinking I have something that I don’t. Trust me I’ve been taking precautions before many I’d say since I work in the retail industry. Washing my hands 3x as normal. I was sanitizing between each customer. I’ve been wearing gloves and masks when I’ve gone out. I have sanitizer in my bag... another thing as you guys can tell is that I HATE being stuck at home (even if this were my dorm). I’m just not a homebody type of person, I’m a very social person and I like to get out and at least get out of the house and be with nature. My parents don’t want me to see my best friend anymore for fear of catching the virus, which is crushing my soul because she’s been my only sanity and distraction during this time. Helping her move in to her new place, helping her make it a home. Good vibes only. And now I’m stuck here, with no bed, no friends, I can barely see my cat because I’m allergic to the room he’s required to stay in (long story). There’s so much uncertainty and I know everybody’s feeling it too. Originally my job planned on us being out for two weeks with pay and this thing blowing over but it doesn’t seem like it’s going to any time soon, I’m afraid I’m going to be laid off so they won’t have to pay me anymore. People have even said to me, this is the perfect time for me to produce content but with all of this anxiety, helping my best friend, helping my mom while she’s out of work, still doing three classes online now (with difficult and tedious assignments that my professors really should’ve taken out of the curriculum at this point) I’m so stressed out. I never thought I would miss miami, but I miss my space I was kicked out of, I miss my roommate, and the family I created over there, a new flame that had just begun... it’s not fair, it’s not fair to any of us (around the world). Our lives are on pause. And no matter how much distress I’m in, there are still people who have it way worse than me. People who have more bills, who have no income, who have children they need to feed. I want to donate money to these people but my mom keeps telling me to save my money because I don’t know if I’m going to need it for college and for my bills. I want to support small businesses but again the money I have is not much. So, this is how I’m really feeling. I feel a bit better now that I’m being more candid. But I still feel like I’m holding my breath underwater and I’m waiting for someone to give me the signal to come back up for air. Anxious and waiting.
Comments